


I'm not going to lose you

by TheGirlWhoDancesWithAlphas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, slightly AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-26
Updated: 2012-12-26
Packaged: 2017-11-22 13:34:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/610375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGirlWhoDancesWithAlphas/pseuds/TheGirlWhoDancesWithAlphas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are some things in life you have to come to terms with, for Dean it's watching everyone he loves die because of him. For Cas, It's knowing he gave up everything, he lost his grace, and fell from heaven for a love that will never be returned, or at least he assumes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm not going to lose you

Regrets collect like old friends  
here to relive your darkest moments

There was so much in his life he regretted, so much he wasn't even sure how he had made it through. So much he wouldn't have made it through without the people in his life. Hell, dean doubted he would have lasted a minute without Sam and bobby. And Cas. God knows they had saved his ass more times than was even possible to count. He would have been long dead without Ellen, and Jo, and Ash, and because of him. They were dead.

Unfortunately this twisted sense of forced immortality that seemed to apply to him and Sam didn't extend to those they ended up killing along the way.

Regret tore at him, haunting his dreams with thoughts of friends, of people he considered family dying for him. Why did he deserve to live while they died, he was no better than them. Honestly, he was so much worse. He was broken, sarcastic, mean, he drank too much, he didn't know when to thank people for what they did, he was heartless at times and eventually, sometimes, he just stopped caring he just wanted it to all end.

He didn't deserve people to die for him. It should be the other way around.

Hell, he couldn't have picked some church going, Christian. Or at least someone who you know even had a remote interest in being an angel's vessel. A halfway decent guy at all.

And every demon wants his pound of flesh  
But I like to keep some things to myself  
I like to keep my issues drawn  
It's always darkest before the dawn

It seemed like everyone wanted something from him, not that they hadn't always just. It was a lot more overwhelming lately. You know, "save the world dean." "Watch out for Sammy dean." "Say yes to Michal", "say no to Michal", and "stop the motherfucking apocalypse dean."

He couldn't make a fucking decision without wondering how many people he might kill by doing it. And in case you hadn't noticed, that was a hell of a burden to bear.

Sometimes he thought about taking the easy way out, taking one of their multiple guns and pressing it to his head. But he knew it wouldn't really do anyone any good.

He would be back before he could even eat some decent pie in heaven.

He could always say yes to Michal. But there were so many people, so many people he would let down if he did that, bobby, Sam… Cas. But god sometimes he wished he could just say yes.

Give the responsibility to someone else. It felt like the entire world was just waiting. Waiting for something to happen, and everyone was just sitting there in the dark, waiting for something, anything to happen. And dean was right there with them. As lost as any of the civilians he managed to protect.

There were days, when he just wanted to give himself over. But most of the time. He was glad he didn't. There were some things he wanted to keep just for him. Like his body. His mind, his control. He couldn't imagine being stuck in there, watching as that dick of an angel killed thousands without a second thought. No, dean didn't think he was going to be saying yes any time soon, he might idealize it sometimes. Fantasize even. But he wasn't really going to do it.

And I've been a fool and I've been blind  
I can never leave the past behind  
I can see no way, I can see no way  
I'm always dragging that horse around

Dean was stuck in the middle of the mother fucking apocalypse, and if that wasn't bad enough he was losing people left and right. Sam was first. He felt like he lost Sam a long time ago, and he had been struggling for so long to get him back and sometimes he felt like he was so fucking close to having his brother back. But… he was so far away.

He lost his dad next. But to be honest, most of the time he felt like he never had John. He was gone, always. Especially when they needed him. And dean had been a good follower; he had done what he was told and look where the fuck that got him. It was impossible to forget everything in the past. Everything that had happened since the night his mother died. Everything that used to drive him to hunt. Now it just made him sad. It seemed so small, so insignificant. They were just hunters dragged into this war of angels, and demons, and the fucking devil.

In a way dean felt like he lost Cas. Not that he really had, Cas was always there. Dean felt like Cas would always be there or at least he hoped he would. He liked the little nerd angel. He liked how awkward he was, how he had no idea what was going on around them. But he felt like he lost him a bit when Cas became human. Dean knew what his fate was just a few years in the future. If he didn't hold out, he would die. Become another one of dean's regrets. Dean would send him marching to his death, his obscenely human death.

And it would be his fault, all of it. All the people he lost. All the people he was destined to loose in the future if he didn't stop this. It was going to be his fault. It followed him. It haunted him, every second of every day, wearing him down. It was something he had to fight through each and every morning when he woke up. Something he had to fight through each time he heard Cas snore, every time he glanced at the impala, or looked at Sam.

Reminders that without him, this might have all gone so much differently. So much better.

Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound  
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground  
so I like to keep my issues drawn  
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Castiel wasn't even sure what he was anymore, he wasn't human, and he wasn't an angel. He had fallen. He had no grace, or very little at that. He felt, he ate, he slept, he ached, and he loved.

Castiel had a family, and not one with wings that was featured in prophecy all over the world. A real human family made up of misfits, with too many issues to count, that he wouldn't trade for anything in the entire world.

And Cas loved them. Which was one of the worst emotions he had yet to experience. Pain was easy, you pushed it away, and you ignored it. They all did. Hatred was easier. It bubbled out of him; it was easy to deal with. Easy to channel into hunting.

There was no place for love in this world that was developing around them. Love, Attachment, they were weaknesses. Weaknesses that could be used against him and they were. They had been, they had been used against him since before he fell.

And when he fell, he fell for love.

For the love of the Winchesters.

He was sure his family, his true family, with wings, and biblical prophecies questioned him. Questioned why he would fall for such a useless emotion. There had been others before him, Gabriel had fallen for satisfaction. But he had died for love.

It wasn't something angels understood, love. Cas wasn't even really sure he had begun to comprehend at its basic level.

If he was asked to explain, he was sure he couldn't.

He had felt it in many different forms. He had felt it in heaven as he watched. A love for all of creation. For all of god's creatures. He had felt it when he was first assigned the Winchesters. A protecting kind of love, one that drove him to go out of his way to help them. To endanger himself, to endanger his family to protect the small humans that were the Winchesters. He had felt it when he fell, overwhelming, controlling, and so… raw. A sense of connection, of comfort, of family washed over him when he was in their presence. He loved them. Like family, and they loved him.

The worst love of all, by far was romantic however. It was unfamiliar, It was messy. It drove him to do things he would not have done for anyone else ever in the history of all creation. If he could go back and change eon thing in his past, Castiel would try, as hard as he possibly could not to fall in love with dean Winchester.

He wasn't sure it would work very well. he hadn't tried the first time after all. It snuck up on him. He wasn't even aware of it until he woke up in a hospital bed. So… so human and all he wanted, all he wanted was dean to be there. It was his first reaction, one that made his heart sink later, after he dealt with the relief that had come with hearing dean's voice. The reassurance.

Loving dean was painful. It was, overwhelming and ridiculous and he had no idea why of all the humans on earth he had chosen this one to love. The one that would fight him tooth and nail had he ever thought it a good idea to reveal his affections. Which he had been assured was not a good idea.

For now he would be waiting, keeping all the issues he had held close to his chest. Praying that no one used it against him. Because he hated to think what idiotic thing he would do if they tried to hurt him by taking dean.

And I am done with my graceless heart  
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart  
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn  
It's always darkest before the dawn

Castiel hated being human. He felt so…. So useless. So vulnerable, so lost. There were times, when he would try to fight, and realize he had no grace. He had nothing. He was no better than a baby. Nothing. He was, he was no help. He couldn't do anyone any good anymore. He couldn't protect his family. He couldn't save dean. He was constantly waiting for the final blow that would render him dead. Because he could die now. He was so… human and there was nothing he could do about it.

There were days, weeks even when Castiel hated himself. When he hated how useless he had become and because of this he hated dean. He hated the Winchesters, he hated bobby. He hated them all. For making him feel. For making him love. For making him rebel against heaven.

He hated that he, that he felt. He hated everything about it. There were times; he wished he could just start over. He hated being without his grace. He hated being so normal. So useless. There were times he thought the Winchesters would replace him now. He had secured his spot in their team as an angel.

As a creature of god with a connection to heaven, with knowledge of what was going on, who was pretty fucking hard to kill. But now, well now he felt he would end up doing more to hurt them than to help.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
And given half the chance would I take any of it back  
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone  
It's always darkest before the dawn

It was hard to go on sometimes. He was overwhelmed with learning how humans did things. Like, going to the bathroom… he had never really had to do that before. Eating so many strange foods. Pain. Physical pain, being sewn up after a fight. It gave him a new level of respect for humans and all they went through. And if Sam and dean were an accurate representation, they went through a lot.

If he was honest the apocalypse was daunting. He tried to not, not be too scared of it. Because that was a new emotion. Fear. And it was debilitating at times. The fear of Lucifer. The fear of failing. Of losing his family.

At times it was hard to push forward with thoughts of the devil weighing you down all the time. The feeling that perhaps, you could have done something. Lucifer was his brother after all. He was family. He could have done something.

He could have showed him he wasn't the only one. Wasn't the only one bothered by never seeing god, never knowing if he was real, if he cared…he could have done something.

And if he could go back, and take it all back, all the times he had thought of saying something. Of telling his brother that the thoughts troubled him as well. of telling him he wasn't alone. He would take it all back. He would, faster than he had ever done anything else.

He often imagined how many lives he could have saved if he had just told his brother he cared. He wanted him to stay, needed him to stay. If he had defied heaven's rules a little earlier. Showed that he felt.

But he didn't.

And it had lead him here. To a string of cheap motel rooms, to natural disasters he knew were far from natural. To demons seeking him out to put a blade through his heart. It had lead him to a family he never wanted, but was so glad he had.

It had lead him to love. A love he never wanted, he never asked for. And he wasn't even sure he was grateful for because it lead him to a love that hurt so bad but he just kept going back. Kept idealizing the situations.

Stood much to close, and then overthought that dean had stopped telling him that he was too close.

Curled up at the foot of dean's bed although he already had one of his own. And reveled in the fact that it wasn't mentioned in the morning.

And he felt selfish. Because it was the one thing, the one thing that sometimes when he thought about all the things that could be changed for the better had he stopped Lucifer from falling in the beginning. It was the one thing that he never wanted to change.

It hurt. Of course it did. He had fallen in love with a straight, male, hunter. Who was so broken sometimes it hurt him to watch. He hadn't expected it to be pretty. But surprisingly, he was learning to not resent it. To not hate it for making him that much more human. He was learning to accept it.

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't  
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road  
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope  
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat  
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me  
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me  
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

It had been long enough. Well at least that's what he told himself when he stood in front of dean trying to figure out exactly what to say. Because how exactly do you sum up, "I gave up my entire life, my immortality, everything I was and everything I ever could have been because I am In love with you and I haven't even had the decency to tell you about it for months."

Cas couldn't think of a good way either.

But he was pretty much fucked either way. Chances were they were going to die. And the odds were against them even more today than they were most days which was saying something because the odds were almost always against them. But today they were bad. Chances were they weren't going to make it out alive and he was going to explode if he didn't tell him.

So here it goes, he thought awkwardly fiddling with the tie around his neck, trying to ignore the way dean was staring at him expectantly. Which he had every right to do because Cas had started talking and then stopped about ten times by now.

He took a breath, he was ready. He was ready for this to go either way he was so hopeful that he wasn't going to be shot down. But he knew chances were he was going to suffer through the fight to day. Replaying deans face as he told him. Probably walking with a broken nose away from this conversation. Cas was crossing a line here, there was no going back. He was prepared. He was ready to suffer and he was ready to hope.

"I Love You." He breathed, eyes locked on deans. Trying to express that this wasn't the same.

This wasn't the "I love you." That Sam said to dean. Or dean said to bobby. This was more, so much more. This was everything he was trying so hard not to walk away before It could sink in. before dean could say anything. Before he could be hurt by love more than he already was.

But he stood there. Watching dean's silence. Waiting for him to respond. To say anything. To do anything. And after a long time he had to accept that he want going to. That this was his response.

One of those silent cues that Cas was supposed to pick up on. Dean's way of saying go away.

He bowed his head, "I understand." He muttered, turning on his heel and making his way back to Sam and bobby. Preparing for the oncoming blood bath.

And maybe long ago he wouldn't have resented dean so much. For making him fall and not caring enough to even speak to him. But in his search for god, in his search for his father, his creator he had found darkness in him he hadn't known was there. Hatred, a resentment he didn't know he had. He didn't want to have.

A part of him that resented dean for not responding. For not even having the decency to tell him to go away. Resented him for being so disgusted that he couldn't even speak.

And as much as Cas resented him. He still loved him. God did him still love him. He knew he would spend his day jumping in front of bullets, demons, knives, and guns for dean. He knew that he would do whatever he could to save him.

He loaded the shot gun in his hands preparing to protect the family that he had fallen for. The ones he loved. The ones that he hoped, to an extent loved him.

He set his gun in the trunk of the car, resisting the urge to bury his head into his hands. He knew that this might happen. He had prepared for this reaction. He had really. He had just hoped… he had prayed this wouldn't be the reaction dean would have. But when had god ever listened to his prayers before?

And all the sudden he was being yanked away from the impala by his tie. And from all he had learned about personal space in the last year, his was being invaded. Not that he minded. In the least.

"I'm not going to lose you." Dean growled. Or at least it sounded like a growl to Cas, a very possessive growl that was followed by harsh lips on his. Stinging, and biting. Teeth clashing and it was… perfect. And it ended all too soon, because realistically he knew it was likely the first, and the last he would ever receive.

But just that one. That one kiss. Had been worth falling. Had been enough to reassure him, that as much as he was fighting for the Winchesters, they were fighting for him. Enough to reassure him, that perhaps god did listen to his prayers after all.


End file.
